Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

        I was once told by a college professor that excuses are like assholes: Everybody has one and they all stink.  I'm pretty sure that he taught poetry.  For me, my biggest barrier to losing weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is being able to get out of my own head.  If I perceive even the slightest reason to throw up my hands and say, "I quit," I'm taking the excuse and running with it.  I allow excuses, negative talk, blame shifting, simple life stresses, and ridiculous justifications to dominate the internal conversation.  The following is a snapshot of the different excuses and justifications that I've allowed to derail me over the past seven months.  Read each one as a "I'm not being healthy right now because..."

1.       I’ve lost so much weight, I can’t possibly gain it all back.

2.      The school closed the gym for renovations and I don’t really like working out if it doesn’t involve basketball

3.       I’m moving in with someone.

4.       I can’t cook since I’ve packed all my pots and pans.

5.       I can’t cook because I haven’t yet unpacked the pots and pans.

6.       Holy crap, I’m living with someone.

7.       The end of the school year is super stressful.

8.       Summer is finally here! Grab me a cooler and some hot dogs for the grill.

9.       It is too hot to cook.

10.   We’ve got something going every weekend so it is hard to get into a routine.

11.   The bride and groom spent so much money on these appetizers that I’d better try a couple.

12.   The bride and groom spent so much money on this meal I’d better eat it all.

13.   The bride and groom spent so much money on this cake that I’d better have a piece.

14.   What?!  There were multiple kinds of cake?!  Better scout the tables.

15.   Did you say “open bar”?

16.   I’m drinking.

17.   I’m drunk.

18.   I’m hung-over.

19.   I’m sneaking around buying an engagement ring.

20.   I’m sneaking around planning an elaborate proposal.

21.   I’m so damn nervous that Molly's going to find out.

22.   I’m celebrating my engagement!

23.   It is too late to lose weight for the engagement pictures anyway.

24.   Hey, it’s the state fair.  I only get cotton candy once a year

25.   …and that bucket of Sweet Martha’s Cookies

26.   …and those cheese curds

27.   …and the 48 oz root beer

28.   The beginning of the fall semester is wearing me out.

29.   I should start my Master’s degree back up.

30.   My first homework assignment is due.

31.   Zoinks, maybe I wasn’t ready to go back to school.

32.   I’m not feeling very well and don’t have the energy to think about a diet.

33.   What’s this pain in my side?!

34.   I have to have my gallbladder removed.

35.   I’m recovering.

36.   It turns out that the more I eat post-surgery, the more I seem to lose!

37.   Or not.

38.   Ben

39.   Jerry

40.   Dairy Queen has a new Blizzard of the Month!

41.   A medium chocolate dipped cone has to be healthier than a medium Blizzard.  I’m dieting!

42.   The gym opening has been delayed three months, so I’ll just wait until it opens before I get started.

43.   I can’t go to a movie without getting popcorn and a Cherry Coke.  It’s tradition!

44.   I’m almost pretty sure that you can’t recork a bottle of wine.

45.   The 17-Day Diet is too strict with my busy schedule.

46.   Weight Watchers is too loosey-goosey with all my down time.

47.   It turns out I love McDonald’s Lattes.

48.   There’s a McDonald's across the street from where I work.

49.   Hey, Monopoly is back at McDonald’s.

50.   I want to get a large unsweetened iced tea for the trip home, but what kind of jackass uses his debit card to buy a $1 beverage?  Better throw a McDouble or two on there so I don’t embarrass myself in front of the 16 year old working the drive-up.

51.   I only get Hardee’s breakfast once every three or four months, so I better make it worth it.

52.   Domino’s has a deal that is cheaper than I can buy groceries.

53.   Domino’s has a new pan crust that I just HAVE to try.

54.   It is too hot to go for a walk.

55.   It is too cold to go for a walk.

56.   It is too early in the morning to go for a walk.  I need my sleep!

57.   It is too late at night to go for a walk.  I’m so tired from the long work day!

58.   I have to fit in the suit I’ve always dreamed about wearing on my wedding day and the wedding is only 300 days away.  Wait, the wedding is only 300 days away?!  I’ll never lose enough weight by then!  Comfort me, Grimace! 

   

            My arms are always open.  Come into my warm embrace and take comfort in my french fry musk.  

                                

59.   I was so good with the diet yesterday that I can handle a break today.

60.   I was so bad with the diet yesterday that it won’t really matter what I do today anyway.

61.   That newswoman got praise for being fat and proud.  If only I had the proper medium to make myself a spokesman for the obese community and early on-set diabetes.

62.   Ghosts from the past came knocking.

63.   I need to focus my efforts on planning for the future of my yet to be conceived children.

64.   I just did a genetic map and there’s little hope that my kids will be anything but gingers (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

65.   I’m frustrated at work because I have no power.

66.   I’ll never have power in higher education without my Master’s degree.

67.   This Master’s degree feels like it is never going to be done.

68.   Shit, I’ve got two minutes until the deadline to respond to two classmates’ posts about white guilt.

69.   Now I’ve got white guilt.

70.   I need to put in quality time reconnecting with friends over beers and food.

71.   I’m tired of living in apartments.

72.   I’m positive I can never afford a home.

73.   I’ve got an appointment with a financial advisor who will undoubtedly point this out.

74.   The financial advisor gave us hope that home ownership is a real possibility, but we need to figure stuff out now if we want any hope of buying a house by the time our lease runs out in May.

75.   We need to research and hit up some open houses on the weekend.

76.   Open houses have free cookies!

77.   Molly is so amazing that she deserves to be taken out on the town for a nice dinner

78.   Molly is so amazing that she’s taking me out on the town for a nice dinner

79.   “Thanks for the nice night on the town, baby.  We made some really good decisions and I think we’re finally on the…wait…slow down the car...I’m almost pretty sure that sign said M&M Brownie Blizzard! Holy sassy molassey, I gots to get my hands on one of those!”

80.   Make mine with chocolate ice cream, please.

81.   Watching Honey Boo Boo makes me talk with a Southern accent and eat uncontrollably. 

82.   Homeland and Dexter are so intense I need to hide behind an ice cream blanket.

83.   Fruits and vegetables attract so many fruit flies!  I never had this problem with Doritos.

84.   My legs are cramping.  Clearly I’m not getting enough carbs.

85.   The gym finally reopened! Now that I am exercising regularly, I don’t have to worry as much about what I’m eating.

86.   I forgot to pack a lunch.

87.   I don’t like what I packed for lunch.

88.   I ate my lunch too early and now I’m ready for second lunch.

89.   I never pack lunch for my Cambridge Tuesdays.  It is my one day a week I treat myself.

90.   Mitt Romney just jumped eight points in the polls.

91.   It is someone’s birthday at work so I'd better celebrate with them.

92.   A sweet student brought us thank you treats and it would be rude to decline.

93.   It isn't football season without beers and snacks!

94.   The Vikings won! This is going to be their year. Celebration pizza!

95.   The Vikings lost! These guys are a bunch of no talent clowns. Comfort ice cream!

96.   Nobody goes to a Twins game without getting a couple of beers, a hot dog, a pretzel, and some cheese curds. Nobody!

97.   I want to be healthy, I just don’t know how.

98.   I’m genetically predisposed to being fat. I’m fighting a losing battle.

99.   The scale doesn't move no matter what I do.

100. I’ve got 99 problems but spinach ain't one.

  

        At the end of the day, there is one person responsible for whether or not I choose to be healthy. Life is never going to stop throwing things at me, both good and bad, and I have to stop hiding behind food to soften the blows. As you can see, I've got a little work to do on the inside in order to get the results I want on the outside.  The CDC says 1 in 3 Americans is obese. There's thin to the left of me, healthy to my right, so here I am, stuck with a middle of goo. I'm ready to become one of the 66%, and so the journey begins again.  No more excuses.

Jeff