It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Happy Halloween!  Halloween is hands down my favorite holiday, with Valentines Day coming in a close second.  I've never been a Christmas guy because, like Charlie Brown, I'm turned off by the commercialism of it (even though I can't begin to fathom the amount of money Charles Schulz made from all of the Peanuts Christmas specials) and don't particularly get into other aspects of it.  Easter used to be cool, but now they started moving it all around and I don't even get a day off for it.  All of my childhood memories of 4th of July are of tremendous build-up and tremendous let down (not for lack of effort by my parents, but mostly because the types of fireworks available for purchase in the garage of a woman in Blunt, SD, don't quite live up to Disney World standards).  Thanksgiving now represents a day of high calorie torture.  Valentine's Day is great because I'm a sentimental fool and I used to love giving and receiving Valentines.  My mom would always help me make the coolest boxes in the world, and I loves me some chocolate.  However, I had one too many lonely days where cupid's bow missed me to move it to number 1.  But Halloween spoke to my darker side.  For one ass-kicking night, I could be anything and anyone I wanted to be, and I was rewarded for this boldness and deception with bags and bags of delicious candy.  I hate being scared, but on Halloween nothing seems as scary because I got to be a part of the madness.  Behind the plastic mask that I couldn't breathe in, I was every bit as ghoulish as the next guy.  There have been very few Halloweens where I didn't put a lot of time and effort into having a great costume.  Unfortunately, between class and life, this happened to be one of those years.  That doesn't mean I'm not still in the Halloween spirit.  For instance, my lunch today decided to take part in the festivities in my place.  Pictured below, Bananaman and Applelantern, with Buddha and Wolverine taking care of business in the background.

So, without further ado, here is my list of my Top Ten Halloween Costumes (pictures provided when available:

10.  Homer Simpson

This costume wasn't particularly clever since I used a store bought mask, but it took me for freaking ever to find yellow gloves and a long sleeved yellow shirt that match.  I'm meticulous in my details.  This was the only time in college that I decided to dress-up, so it makes the list if for no other reason than to represent that time in my life.  Also, I needed an excuse to post this picture of Chippendale Jared.  That guy is somehow my best man.  Maybe I need to re-evaluate things.

9.  Pirate

So, that's not actually me, but that is pretty close to what I remember the costume looking like.  I don't know why a crappy generic costume has stuck with me all of these years, but the main thing I remember about it is that I wore it in first grade when we lived in a house in Tea, SD.  Now, first grade was a long time ago and I barely remember my ATM Pin (I use my debit card almost daily, but about a week ago I just forgot it.  Searched everywhere in my brain, but it was gone.  I had to call the bank and have them reset it, yet I can remember my first grade Halloween costume).  We lived across the street from some older kids who were always hanging out at our house, and I remember how excited they were.  I also seem to remember that my dad's parents (and maybe my aunt) were visiting for some reason, so I got to go trick-or-treating in the back of grandpa's pickup truck, a dangerous treat that I often participated in at their house in Blunt but never in the suburban neighborhoods of Tea.  I remember having to go out for a little bit as a pirate with my sister, who would have been only a couple of years old, and then getting to go back out by myself after it got dark (even though it was probably only about 6 pm).  I also remember it being soooooo cold, so in between houses I would go back into the car/truck, bundle up, drive to the next house, hop out, run to the door, get my haul, and then head back to the warm blankets and hot apple cider.  Anyway, I associate that costume with the start of my love of the holiday, so it makes the list.

8.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 

I've actually been a TMNT twice in my life (both times Raphael), but I was particularly proud of this one because it was the resurrection of the group costume and I spent a helluva lot of time piecing it together.  It was also the first time that my friends conned me into making entire costumes for everybody.  Here's the breakdown:  Green long johns for the under side, green gloves (I'm not wearing mine for some reason, colored cloth from fabric stores, garbage can lids as the back shell, hand decorated poster board connected with yarn for the front of the shell, broomstick bo for Donatello, and cheap toys for everyone else.  The quality was iffy, but I was pretty happy with the outcome.

7.  Elliot from E.T.

This costume holds a special place in my heart because it was my first (and thus far, only) costume with Molly.  Molly hates aliens and really hates E.T. because of it.  I worked on her and worked on her until she finally relented and agreed to be the Gertie to my Elliot. The attention to detail in this costume was disgusting, even if it doesn't look like it.  We spent five weeks trying to buy stuffed E.T. dolls that were big enough to fit in the basket but weren't so big that they would block my face.  By the time we had the basket and the pillow and the doll strapped to the bike handlebars (a red metal broomstick that I hacksawed in half and stuck hand grips to), the whole contraption had to have weighed 30 pounds.  Killed my neck all night.  Molly's costume had Gertie's flowers and Reese's Pieces stuffed in there.  You know you might be a bit too obsessed with detail when you've been standing in Walmart for an hour trying to decide which long stick might best turn into handle bars or which pot looked the most size appropriate.  

6.  Hulk Hogan

Hulk Hogan is on this list, not because I liked my work, but because of amount of work I put into making the guy standing next to mine.  Brent (another groomsman) and I loved wrestling, so we decided we'd do a themed costume.  This meant that Jeff would make themed costumes for Brent and Jeff.  Brent does a pretty spot on Macho Man impressions, so he drew Savage and I took the icon Hogan.  I spent so much time on these costumes.  I ordered probably 20 pairs of women's spandex work out pants on eBay trying to find just the right match.  I hot glued all the spangles and streamers on the arms of the jacket.  I lettered and starred both the front and back of it, too.  I found big sunglasses in a costume shop and glued green fabric to it.  I bought a fake beard and a wig that I cut and trimmed into perfection.  I spray painted black rubber boots, cut their fronts, and put colored laces in them.  I spent entirely too much time in Scheel's trying to decide if I had the balls to walk into the women's volleyball area and buy tiny yellow spandex shorts for my costume (I ended up buying them but wussed out at the last minute and switched ot the yellow shorts).  Needless to say, this one makes the list for the sheer scope of the costume work.

5.  Zombie Payne Stewart

On October 25, 1999, golfer Payne Stewart was aboard a plane headed from Orlando to Dallas.  Somewhere along the way, the plane depressurized and all aboard died from lack of oxygen.  The plane eventually ran out of fuel and crashed in a field just outside of Aberdeen, SD.  In 1999, I was a senior in high school and was starting to become a little too sarcastic and teenagery than I should have been.  I decided that I wanted to make a relevant and timely costume that captured the pulse of the South Dakota newsline.  I decided I would go as Zombie Payne Stewart.  Payne was famous for wearing knickers and colorful socks with sweater vests, and I decided I could easily mirror that image.  I also decided I would paint my face pale blue because it was reported that the folks on the plane had not only lost oxygen, but they had more than likely also frozen.  Boy, I was clever.  The pièce de résistance was a broken putter that I was going to bend and wrap around my neck.  The costume was tasteless and inappropriate, and my mother, a lover of Halloween herself, tearfully begged me not to do it.  She tried to pound it through my skull that this was a bad idea all around, but her reaction only strengthened my resolve that I was living on the edge.  Eventually, but not without a fight, she was able to talk me down from wearing the make-up and only carrying a broken. The teachers and principal were less than impressed (I had started getting this anti-authority attitude, or at least as much as the president of the student council/editor of the school newspaper/guy wearing tights in Robin Hood could have).  Thirteen years later, I look back at that costume as a learning opportunity and probably the primary reason I didn't wear a Steve Irwin stingray costume.  

4.  George H. Bush

Seeing as how I was a politically minded 4th grader student, I got a George H. Bush mask and started stretching my satirical muscle.  My mask was way cooler than the one pictured because it was two pieces, so when I moved my jaw, the bottom half moved, too.  The main reason I love this costume was that I talked my friend Jeff Peterson (groomsman again) into wearing a white curly wig and a dress and being my Barbara Bush.  This was no small accomplishment considering I had only moved to town a year earlier and we were at the age where being a vampire was way cooler.  Peterson, Ryan Kapperman, and I decided to go to Blunt to check out the goods and see what the Halloween of 1991 had to offer.  Some of you might remember that Halloween as the Halloween Blizzard of '91.  The weather was awful and we were freezing, but we still had the time of our lives.  The highlights included getting the awesome little bags of goodies at my Grandma Pat's, playing poker with our candy as chips even though none of us knew how to play poker, and walking down a snow covered sidewalk and watching Ryan step onto what looked like a normal piece of concrete but turned out to be a 2-foot water filled hole and then bitching all night about being wet and freezing.  I'm getting a little misty eyed just thinking about it.

3.  Whoopi Goldberg

Following my turn taking down the political establishment, I decided that I would turn my sights on the entertainment industry in 1992.  What better way for a chubby white Midwestern child to lampoon the world than to dress as Whoopi Goldberg.  This costume was genuinely hilarious when I think back about it.  My dad got an old black choir robe from his school for me and my mom cut a hole in the middle of a doily as the nun collar.  We even toed racial lines by painting my hands brown.  This Halloween was also the one and only time between moving to Hartford and my high school graduation party that our garage was clean enough to hold a Halloween party.  This party's invitation list and attendees included both males and females, so you might also say I went as a pimp that year.

2.  Cowardly Lion

My first trip into the world of group costumes.  We had a junior high costume ball, so my friends Amanda, Sarah, Dan, and I decided we would go as the cast of the Wizard of Oz.  This costume is so special to me because my mom did so much work on it.  She handmade a lion costume from scratch that fit an 80 lb overweight pre-teen and did so with such gusto that we were repeatedly accused of having purchased or rented it.  She also did a heck of a job on some of the other costumes in the group, too, which is probably why I can't say no to being the point person for group costumes.  We went to our dance where we managed to upset the much more popular kids who had dressed up as the Flintstones.  After our dance ended, we decided to go to the American Legion where they were having an adult costume contest/dance in the bar.  We were probably 12 or 13.  Unfortunately, the scarecrow's parents decided he probably shouldn't be in a bar at 11 pm and the Tin Woman's sister needed babysitting, so the Cowardly Lion and Dorothy Gale bravely walked through the crowded bar to present ourselves as contestants.  Ironically, the leading competition was another set of Flintstones, but the adult stone aged family had gone so far as to build a foot powered car.  Looking back, it was an AMAZING costume.  Unfortunately for the Flintstones, the winner was determined by level of applause and there ain't nobody gonna out drunken yell my parents' friends.  Dorothy and I got to split $100 which we promptly used to buy drinks and play video lottery.

1.  Captain 11

Anyone who lived in or near South Dakota and could pick up KELO from the years betwen 1955 and 1996 are quite familiar with Captain 11.  The Captain hosted a sometimes daily afternoon, sometimes Saturday morning cartoon show where local kids had an opportunity to appear on camera and become completely mute.  Some even chose to use their 15 minutes of fame to cry.  The cartoons were all old Warner Brothers properties, but since we were 30 years removed from the original airing, they all seemed pretty fresh.  When it was your birthday (which it magically always seemed to be everyone there's birthday), you got to flip a switch that started the cartoons up. The man (or at least the character) was an icon.  Here's a picture of Shelbi and me on one of our trips to visit the good Captain.

The Captain was friends with my grandpa and would make trips out to shoot geese, so I had the unique opportunity to visit with his Clark Kent-like identity, too.  Still, he was always the Captain to me.  Anyway, I decided a couple of years back that I would pay homage to one of my childhood institutions and don the blue jump suit myself.  I spent weeks going through hardware and uniform stores looking for just the right shade of blue.  I signed up for hundreds of catalogs (some which still find their way to me) hoping to match his signature look.  I finally found one that I could make work, and it arrived just a day or two before Halloween.  I had badges embroidered with the number 11 on them and sewed them on a captains hat and a white turtle neck.  I sewed gold piping on the collars, just like the Captain.  I even memorized the entire intro to his show:  

One man in each century is given the power to control time. The man chosen to receive this power is carefully selected. He must be kind. He must be fair. He must be brave. You have fulfilled these requirements; and, we of the Outer Galaxies designate to you the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Atlas. You are Captain 11!

The costume was a huge hit in the bars because forty years worth of kids tuned in to be part of the Captain's crew.  The costume contest ended up being based on applause again, and after I delivered the iconic, "How's my crew today?", the roof nearly came down.  I won a $200 bar tab that I promptly demolished and a huge Budweiser mirror with girls in bikinis on it that may or may not still be in existence (I couldn't do anything with it so I left it with my groomsman John, but at a certain point my statute of limitations probably ran out on it).  I love this costume because it was a great idea, I put a ton of work into it, and it touched a generation of drunken 20 and 30 somethings (I took so many pictures that night).  I know I've still got some great ideas in me, but it will take a lot to knock the Captain off of his pedestal.

Well, that's my trip down memory lane for the day.  I wish you all a safe and happy Halloween!  Don't forget to lay off the sugar.

Jeff "I Believe In The Great Pumpkin" Pool  

Registering for the Gift of Patience

Hey gang!  Weekly check-in time.  The first set of numbers are from last week, including what I was down before.  The second set is from this morning along with the totals.  

 

Weight: 256.2 lb (- 5.6 lb)

BMI: 36.8 (-.8)

BMR: 2356 kcal

Fat %: 43.9% (+1.9%)

Fat Mass: 112.4 lb (+2.4 lb)

FFM: 143.8 lb (-8 lb)

TBW: 105.2 lb (-6 lb)

Weight: 253.6 lb (-2.6 lb, total of -8.2)

BMI: 36.4 (-.4, total of -1.2)

BMR: 2340 kcal (too lazy to look at the week before, but down 16)

Fat %: 40.2% (-3.7%, net loss of 1.8)

Fat Mass: 102.0 lb (-10.4 lb, net loss of-8 lbs of goo)

FFM: 151.6 lb (+7.8 lb, net loss of .2)

TBW: 111.01 lb (+5.9 lb, net -.1 lb)

Two of the things I was kind of concerned about last week were my evident lacking in water and protein intake.  I made a real effort last week to fix both of those things, and I think the numbers reflect that.  My TBW (body water) jumped from 41% to 43%.  Now, this is still a far cry from the recommended 60% number that I am ultimately shooting for, but I gave it my best.  I fully intended to write a second post last week, but I didn't have time since I was running off to pee every eight minutes.  The other concern I had was that I was losing muscle and gaining fat.  After talking to people in the know, they said that I needed to make sure I was getting more protein.  The fruits and veggies are a much needed addition to my diet, but they can't come at the expense of eating lean protein.  I made sure to have protein at every meal.  I'm not always hungry at lunch, particularly after I play basketball, so I've started to have some protein drinks on hand so that I'm not completely skipping lunch or just having an apple (although I still eat the apple).  We pushed ourselves pretty hard last week during a couple of days of basketball, and I think the extra protein helped me build up muscle as I burnt off some of the fat.  I know it sounds pretty stupid when I still weigh over 250 lbs, but I can tell the difference in the way that my clothes fit.  Molly and I have started taking measurements to count inches lost, and I'm within an inch of where I was at the beginning of last February, right before I made the crazy run and hit the 220's.  It isn't ideal, but my pants are back in the size 30's instead of 40's so I'll take it.

My biggest demon that I'm battling right now is time and pace.  I'm not doing anything crazy or working any programs right now, just trying to be conscious of calories in and calories out.  Most of what I've done in the past involved cutting out carbs and dropping pounds like crazy, but I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to do that with this method.  That's okay and much more healthy, but I haven't quite convinced myself of that.  When I see a weekly drop of 8-10 lbs, I get pumped up and motivated . I always forget the fact that eating a piece of bread makes all 10 lbs come back.  Still, this morning after I got off the scale I was angry.  I did everything I could this week and only dropped 2.6 lbs.  I've been weighing myself at home, so I knew this was coming, but I still thought I might have a miracle 5 lb loss in me.  I even weighed myself twice to see if the scale just wasn't working or if I was standing on it funny.  Alas, the truth was the truth.  I immediately e-mailed Molly and told her that our plan of cooking meals at home and working out wasn't working fast enough for me.  I want results and I want them now!  She, being the sane person in the relationship, congratulated me on my loss and reminded me that I should be proud that I'm making progress at a healthy click.  I immediately fired back that I was going back on the 17-Day Diet and that carbs were done effective next Tuesday (we've already grocery shopped for this week, so I'm not going to waste $100 in 45 calorie bread or baked potatoes).  But then I had time to relax and reflect thanks to an e-mail from my sister, and I realized what Molly said was right.  I'm never going to be successful if I just keep going 100 mph forward and then throwing it into 120 mph in reverse.  With the help of Shelbi (the aforementioned sister), I came up with some real goals for the next nine months before the wedding.

November 27th ... -10 (243)
December 25th ...  -8 (235)
January 29th ... -5 (230)
February 26th .... -5 (225)
March 26th... -5 (220)
April 30th... -5 (215)
May 28th ... -5 (210)
June 25th... -5 (205)
July 23rd ... -6 (199)

It kills me to think that after working hard for 30 days I might only have a five pound result, but the math makes sense and just kind of naturally falls into place.  I know there will be months on the front side where I lose more than that, but I also know that there will be times when I get closer to 200 where I might be lucky to get to five pounds.  The next milestone day, November 27, is two days before I turn 31.  If I can get down to 243, I'll be where I was by the Pool Party last year.  By February, I should be back around where I was at the end of February of last year.  That's where it fell apart last year (and really seems to fall apart every year), so the tough part will come then.  For now, I'm going to enjoy life with weekly three pound losses.  On to the goals.

Week 2 Goals
Goal 1 - Work Out for 30 Minutes on Five Days: A- 
I'm taking a high passing mark on this one.  I played basketball Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Monday, and our games on Thursday and Friday were full-court blood baths.  I didn't do a traditional work out over the weekend, but we spent about three hours cleaning the apartment Sunday.  I don't recall sitting down or not moving during that period.  I'm taking the credit.

Goal 2 - 70 Ounces of Water, 50 From Water: A++
Totally nailed this one.  The best part was that I probably hit the 70 ounces just on water.  I still had my cup of coffee or two in the morning and a pop at night, but I had a full bladder's worth of water at all moments in between.  The real shocker?  I went a whole week with a single drop of alcohol.  I'm not a raging alcoholic or anything, but I like to have a beer or wine with dinner one or two nights a week.  I managed to cut out those empty calories without really even trying.  Good job, Jeff!  (Thanks! (You're welcome!))

Goal 3 - Track My Calories To See What's Really Coming In: B
I signed up for myfitnesspal and loved it. It has full recipes from different sites on there, so I don't even have to guess at ingredients.  By the way, if you're looking for quality healthy recipes that don't taste like the back of a stamp, check out emilybites.com.  She's Molly's go-to recipe gal.  Anyway, I was tracking everything down to the calorie until I hit the weekend.  I had class on Saturday and we cleaned all day Sunday, so I my brain wasn't working on the "track your calories" principle.  Still, I did well with my calories and was glad to know that my calorie counting in my head was pretty close, I loved the tool, and I'll continue to use it.  It even helped me catch easy fixes like using an English muffin to make my breakfast sandwich instead of two pieces of toast (I cut out 180 calories each morning just like that).


Week 3 Goals
Goal 1 - Survive the Weekend
We're starting a brutal stretch of weekends where we have people coming or we're going out of town.  In fact, it isn't until the month ends that we get two nights home alone.  I'm more than happy with that because it means we've got fun plans with our friends and family, but it makes it almost impossible to diet when I'm eating out and drinking out for every meal.  My buddy and groomsman John is coming up Friday night with his lovely friend (well, she's my lovely friend, too), Helena, and we've got a real humdinger of a weekend planned that involves a trip to the casino to watch my boy Artie Lange perform with Dave Attell and Jim Norton.  Should be a hoot.  Anyway, the key to surviving the weekend is being in control of the food.  The instinct is always to take people out when they are in town, but as a frequent house guest myself, I know that sometimes it is nice to just hang out and be low key, especially because those weekends get so expensive.  They won't be here until late Friday, so that eliminates the prospect of trouble during the first night.  I will buy the stuff I need to make my world famous healthy breakfast pizza and scrounge up something or other for lunch.  That leaves us with only eating out for one meal, and I can make a smart choice.  The no alcohol thing isn't happening, but I'll start researching some low-cal options that don't include the words "skinny girl" or that end in "tini".

Goal 2 - Add Strength Training and Stretching to the Cardio
If I'm going to keep burning fat and building muscle, I need to do a better job of toning.  I rarely stretch before we play basketball.  My body hates me for that.  I can count the times I've lifted weights in my life on one hand.  I get so focused on the fat that I completely disregard the muscle.  I've got some resistance bands at home, as well as a nice carpeted floor for push-ups and sit-ups.  Here's my goal: I want to do 50 sit-ups every day and be able to do 10 real push-ups (not kidding, I'm pushing it at two right now) by next Tuesday.  I would also like to try to do my yoga video at least twice to help with the stretching.  Finally, I will con...errrr...lovingly convince Molly to give me a neck and shoulder rub to help keep me loose.  You know, for my health.

Goal 3 - Tweet What I Eat
Alright, this sounds stupid for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don't really use or understand the appeal of Twitter (as you can clearly tell from my writing style, 140 characters might not be my best friend).  You can follow me at jpool23.  Or is it @jpool23.  And what do I do with the pound sign?  Is it even called a pound sign?  I keep hearing "hash tag", but back in my day # = pound and hash tag = the label on the side of the bag of drugs we were shown in D.A.R.E.  I don't know.  Back in my day we got to the Internet through a CD-ROM we received in the mail from some company called America Online and it always made our land-line telephone ring busy.  Do you realize that a child born in 1999, or the youngest version of the modern teenager, probably wouldn't get a single one of the references in that last sentence?  Ugh.  Anyway, back to the point.  Starting tonight, before it goes in my mouth, it goes on Twitter.  Might be in 140 or less characters, might be in picture form if I can figure it out. (Continued tangent: back in my day, you had to snap the picture on your disposable camera, bring the camera to a one-hour photo, find something to do for that hour, pick up your pictures, drive back home, turn on your scanner, upload the picture on your computer, dial into the Internet, run back to the store, buy a frozen pizza, pre-heat the oven, cook that pizza, and come back to the computer before a picture finished uploading to the World Wide Web.  Now I can snap a picture of anything on my phone and have it on the Tweeter in 20 seconds.  Damn spoiled kids and their stupid technology.)  We'll see how this little experiment in accountability goes.

Tomorrow I hope to post my top 10 all-time favorite Halloween costumes I've worn (Teaser: Over half of them contain the word slutty!)

Jeff

Progress

I figured I'd get the numbers out of the way right up front since it is Tuesday and that's what Tuesdays are all about.  Top numbers are week 1, bottom are this week.

Height: 5'10"
Weight: 261.8 lb 

BMI: 37.6
BMR: 2392 kcal

Fat %: 42% 

Fat Mass: 110 lb 

FFM: 151.8 lb 

TBW: 111.21 lb

Height: 5'10" (no real progress on this front)

Weight: 256.2 lb (- 5.6 lb)

BMI: 36.8 (-.8)
BMR: 2356 kcal

Fat %: 43.9% (+1.9%)

Fat Mass: 112.4 lb (+2.4 lb)

FFM: 143.8 lb (-8 lb)

TBW: 105.2 lb (-6 lb)

Well, if the ultimate goal is to lose weight, I've started out on a good foot.  I was pretty good this week with everything, but I definitely could have done more and probably hung a 10-pounder on you.  I have to stop thinking about huge losses, though, and focus on the end result.  If I lose it slower, maybe the logic is that it will take me longer to get to my goal, leaving me less time to completely screw everything up and gain it all back.  Maybe not.  

The thing that I hate about this scale is that it doesn't let me hide behind the weight number very easily and makes me face the fact that things like water weight really do exist.  I'm also troubled by the fact that I somehow managed to gain 2.4 pounds of fat while losing 8 pounds of muscle.  I know I've got some fitness nut readers out there because you have all been giving me great advice and insight, so can any of you fill me in on this?  The same thing happened last year when I lost all the weight.  I know that my exercise program is mostly cardio, but why is my body attacking the muscle instead of focusing on all the delicious energy I've got stored in my man boobs?  I am no mathematician, but at this rate I will be 100% fat by the time I hit 200 and our flower girl will have to pull me down the aisle in a wagon since I won't have any muscles to stand up on my own.  

My buddy Nick, who works in the fitness world, shed some light on what those other numbers meant.  Turns out TBW wasn't Taco Bell Weight but rather Total Body Water.  The average male should have about 60% of their body weight in water, but I'm at a dehydratastic 41%.  I'm actually down a percentage point from last week.  Readers of my last blog may remember that hydration is always a big issue for me.  There isn't a day that goes by where I don't get a cramp somewhere in my body.  Part of that is because I suck at stretching, but it looks like a big part of it might be because I don't drink anywhere near the amount of water that I think I do.  Sounds like a new weekly goal!

The other number that I was confused by was the BMR.  Rather than Googling it like a normal human might, I decided I'd let Nick explain that one, too.  Your BMR is your Basic Metabolic Rate, or the number of calories you burn each day with zero exercise (or as I like to call it, Tuesday).  I looked it up and it turns out my number is pretty high.  Now, I have no idea how this scale calculates this information just by shooting electricity through me.  Again, I could probably Google it and have my answer in ten seconds, but who has time for that?  What I do know is that when I was keeping my calories around 1,800-2,000 calories a day last year, I was losing like crazy because I was taking in less than what the bare minimum to keep my organs functioning was.  Add calorie burning basketball to that and there was little wonder I was losing 7-10 pounds a week.  There might be a goal somewhere in all of this.

Speaking of goals, let's see how I did on week 1:

Goal 1 - No Fast Food This Week: B+

I'm giving myself a B+ because I feel like I did more than pass, but that I probably could have done a little better to get the perfect grade.  If this was a straight Pass/Fail course, you'd see a P on my transcript.  After I went to that Chinese Buffet last Tuesday for lunch, I only went out to eat once the remainder of the week.  Granted, it was to another buffet, but this one was a much healthier option (the place is called Q.Cumbers, for God's sake).  I went to McDonald's zero times.  I ordered pizza zero times.  Since I went to the buffet twice in one week, I'm taking a few points off the final grade, but the goal was no fast food.  Mission accomplished.

Goal 2 - Work out 30 Minutes at Least 4 Times: D-

No excuses, just didn't happen.  I played ball on Wednesday and Monday.  I'm giving myself the 30 minutes credit on Friday because we spent the day registering for gifts, and I was literally on my feet for like four hours.  My legs hurt worse than they do after basketball.  Still, that's 3 out of 4, or 75%.  In Mr. Pool's classroom, that's a D-.  I'm a tough grader and there's no curve.

Goal 3 - Two Cups of Fruit/Three Servings of Veggies a Day: A-/B+

Truth be told, I didn't do a great job of keeping track of whether or not I hit this mark.  Looking back at what I ate each day, I had to have been awfully close to this one.  Might have missed the fruit mark one day, but I didn't cut and measure my bananas to see where I stood.  I'm going to count this goal as a win.

Let's get some goals on paper for next week.  Since I passed Goal 1 and 3 this week, I will continue to work them into the routine and add some new ones to the mix.

Goal 1 - Work Out 30 Minutes for at Least 5 Times in the Next Seven Days

Look, I've got to get this one down.  Last week I wrote 100 different excuses for why I don't work out.  Thursday-Sunday I used about 42 of them.  This week I need to make it.  I even added a day because I need to do something on Saturday and Sunday to keep the momentum between Friday basketball and Monday basketball.  I have class this weekend, so my ambitions will be low.  Must overcome lame brain.

Goal 2 - 70 Ounces of Fluid a Day With at Least 50 of Those Coming From Water

According to the Mayo Clinic website, the 8x8 rule (drink eight 8 oz cups of water a day) isn't scientifically proven to be the exact number, but it is still a good rule to live by because it is easy to remember.  Since all of the aspartame I've imbibed over the years has cost me the ability to remember things, I'll stick with easy to remember rules.  It says to remember that water is in things like pop, juice and coffee, so you shouldn't discredit those things.  I'm not quite to giving up diet pop yet (maybe next week) and I will murder you if you take my coffee away (please don't test this statement), but I'm going to make sure that I get at least 50 ounces of water.  I want to see some sort of positive movement in my water mass.  

Goal 3 - Track My Calories for the Next Seven Days to Accurately See What I Need to Do Next

Alright, so this one doesn't sound all that hard on paper, but I suck at being organized and reporting to something daily.  I'm not a detail oriented kind of guy, more big picture.  Nick suggested I use myfitnesspal.com, a site he used to track himself this summer as he lost 15 lbs.  I'm not financially in a spot where I'm ready to commit to a pay service to back me up, so I'm taking advantage of any and all free tools I can find.  I'm thinking (actually, Nick was thinking and I'm stealing his thought (remember, aspartame)) that I don't get anywhere near enough protein each week, which is probably contributing a little to my muscle loss and fat gains.  In the past I've cut carbs out, but I haven't really done that this time so my body is probably just packing those babies away while it burns up the muscle.  Or not.  Either way, it won't hurt to actually have a log of what is going in and what is coming out of my body.  

At some point this week, I plan on writing a post about my body image.  I can't guarantee the day because it is class week and I've got homework that takes priority, plus I haven't fully developed my thoughts on the subject.  Most likely my struggle with understanding the struggle will end up being the topic.  We'll see how badly the aspartame effects my brain between now and then.  In the meantime, know that I greatly appreciate any and all feedback/suggestions/words of support.  It is well established that I'm not so good at this stuff, and your stories of success and hard work really do pop into my head when I've got the first six numbers for Domino's dialed into my phone.

Here's to not needing to push the 7th (or in the case of my Minneapolis friends, the 10th),

Jeff

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

        I was once told by a college professor that excuses are like assholes: Everybody has one and they all stink.  I'm pretty sure that he taught poetry.  For me, my biggest barrier to losing weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is being able to get out of my own head.  If I perceive even the slightest reason to throw up my hands and say, "I quit," I'm taking the excuse and running with it.  I allow excuses, negative talk, blame shifting, simple life stresses, and ridiculous justifications to dominate the internal conversation.  The following is a snapshot of the different excuses and justifications that I've allowed to derail me over the past seven months.  Read each one as a "I'm not being healthy right now because..."

1.       I’ve lost so much weight, I can’t possibly gain it all back.

2.      The school closed the gym for renovations and I don’t really like working out if it doesn’t involve basketball

3.       I’m moving in with someone.

4.       I can’t cook since I’ve packed all my pots and pans.

5.       I can’t cook because I haven’t yet unpacked the pots and pans.

6.       Holy crap, I’m living with someone.

7.       The end of the school year is super stressful.

8.       Summer is finally here! Grab me a cooler and some hot dogs for the grill.

9.       It is too hot to cook.

10.   We’ve got something going every weekend so it is hard to get into a routine.

11.   The bride and groom spent so much money on these appetizers that I’d better try a couple.

12.   The bride and groom spent so much money on this meal I’d better eat it all.

13.   The bride and groom spent so much money on this cake that I’d better have a piece.

14.   What?!  There were multiple kinds of cake?!  Better scout the tables.

15.   Did you say “open bar”?

16.   I’m drinking.

17.   I’m drunk.

18.   I’m hung-over.

19.   I’m sneaking around buying an engagement ring.

20.   I’m sneaking around planning an elaborate proposal.

21.   I’m so damn nervous that Molly's going to find out.

22.   I’m celebrating my engagement!

23.   It is too late to lose weight for the engagement pictures anyway.

24.   Hey, it’s the state fair.  I only get cotton candy once a year

25.   …and that bucket of Sweet Martha’s Cookies

26.   …and those cheese curds

27.   …and the 48 oz root beer

28.   The beginning of the fall semester is wearing me out.

29.   I should start my Master’s degree back up.

30.   My first homework assignment is due.

31.   Zoinks, maybe I wasn’t ready to go back to school.

32.   I’m not feeling very well and don’t have the energy to think about a diet.

33.   What’s this pain in my side?!

34.   I have to have my gallbladder removed.

35.   I’m recovering.

36.   It turns out that the more I eat post-surgery, the more I seem to lose!

37.   Or not.

38.   Ben

39.   Jerry

40.   Dairy Queen has a new Blizzard of the Month!

41.   A medium chocolate dipped cone has to be healthier than a medium Blizzard.  I’m dieting!

42.   The gym opening has been delayed three months, so I’ll just wait until it opens before I get started.

43.   I can’t go to a movie without getting popcorn and a Cherry Coke.  It’s tradition!

44.   I’m almost pretty sure that you can’t recork a bottle of wine.

45.   The 17-Day Diet is too strict with my busy schedule.

46.   Weight Watchers is too loosey-goosey with all my down time.

47.   It turns out I love McDonald’s Lattes.

48.   There’s a McDonald's across the street from where I work.

49.   Hey, Monopoly is back at McDonald’s.

50.   I want to get a large unsweetened iced tea for the trip home, but what kind of jackass uses his debit card to buy a $1 beverage?  Better throw a McDouble or two on there so I don’t embarrass myself in front of the 16 year old working the drive-up.

51.   I only get Hardee’s breakfast once every three or four months, so I better make it worth it.

52.   Domino’s has a deal that is cheaper than I can buy groceries.

53.   Domino’s has a new pan crust that I just HAVE to try.

54.   It is too hot to go for a walk.

55.   It is too cold to go for a walk.

56.   It is too early in the morning to go for a walk.  I need my sleep!

57.   It is too late at night to go for a walk.  I’m so tired from the long work day!

58.   I have to fit in the suit I’ve always dreamed about wearing on my wedding day and the wedding is only 300 days away.  Wait, the wedding is only 300 days away?!  I’ll never lose enough weight by then!  Comfort me, Grimace! 

   

            My arms are always open.  Come into my warm embrace and take comfort in my french fry musk.  

                                

59.   I was so good with the diet yesterday that I can handle a break today.

60.   I was so bad with the diet yesterday that it won’t really matter what I do today anyway.

61.   That newswoman got praise for being fat and proud.  If only I had the proper medium to make myself a spokesman for the obese community and early on-set diabetes.

62.   Ghosts from the past came knocking.

63.   I need to focus my efforts on planning for the future of my yet to be conceived children.

64.   I just did a genetic map and there’s little hope that my kids will be anything but gingers (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

65.   I’m frustrated at work because I have no power.

66.   I’ll never have power in higher education without my Master’s degree.

67.   This Master’s degree feels like it is never going to be done.

68.   Shit, I’ve got two minutes until the deadline to respond to two classmates’ posts about white guilt.

69.   Now I’ve got white guilt.

70.   I need to put in quality time reconnecting with friends over beers and food.

71.   I’m tired of living in apartments.

72.   I’m positive I can never afford a home.

73.   I’ve got an appointment with a financial advisor who will undoubtedly point this out.

74.   The financial advisor gave us hope that home ownership is a real possibility, but we need to figure stuff out now if we want any hope of buying a house by the time our lease runs out in May.

75.   We need to research and hit up some open houses on the weekend.

76.   Open houses have free cookies!

77.   Molly is so amazing that she deserves to be taken out on the town for a nice dinner

78.   Molly is so amazing that she’s taking me out on the town for a nice dinner

79.   “Thanks for the nice night on the town, baby.  We made some really good decisions and I think we’re finally on the…wait…slow down the car...I’m almost pretty sure that sign said M&M Brownie Blizzard! Holy sassy molassey, I gots to get my hands on one of those!”

80.   Make mine with chocolate ice cream, please.

81.   Watching Honey Boo Boo makes me talk with a Southern accent and eat uncontrollably. 

82.   Homeland and Dexter are so intense I need to hide behind an ice cream blanket.

83.   Fruits and vegetables attract so many fruit flies!  I never had this problem with Doritos.

84.   My legs are cramping.  Clearly I’m not getting enough carbs.

85.   The gym finally reopened! Now that I am exercising regularly, I don’t have to worry as much about what I’m eating.

86.   I forgot to pack a lunch.

87.   I don’t like what I packed for lunch.

88.   I ate my lunch too early and now I’m ready for second lunch.

89.   I never pack lunch for my Cambridge Tuesdays.  It is my one day a week I treat myself.

90.   Mitt Romney just jumped eight points in the polls.

91.   It is someone’s birthday at work so I'd better celebrate with them.

92.   A sweet student brought us thank you treats and it would be rude to decline.

93.   It isn't football season without beers and snacks!

94.   The Vikings won! This is going to be their year. Celebration pizza!

95.   The Vikings lost! These guys are a bunch of no talent clowns. Comfort ice cream!

96.   Nobody goes to a Twins game without getting a couple of beers, a hot dog, a pretzel, and some cheese curds. Nobody!

97.   I want to be healthy, I just don’t know how.

98.   I’m genetically predisposed to being fat. I’m fighting a losing battle.

99.   The scale doesn't move no matter what I do.

100. I’ve got 99 problems but spinach ain't one.

  

        At the end of the day, there is one person responsible for whether or not I choose to be healthy. Life is never going to stop throwing things at me, both good and bad, and I have to stop hiding behind food to soften the blows. As you can see, I've got a little work to do on the inside in order to get the results I want on the outside.  The CDC says 1 in 3 Americans is obese. There's thin to the left of me, healthy to my right, so here I am, stuck with a middle of goo. I'm ready to become one of the 66%, and so the journey begins again.  No more excuses.

Jeff

Rock Bottom (And Not the Sweet Wrestling Move)

As promised yesterday, I am debuting my weight loss goals for the next 284 days.  I'm a bit disappointed as I write this because I had done so much work and had so much support last year that I've since flushed down the toilet.  It isn't super easy to see all the weight loss in this picture, but here's me in late February last year:

A couple of weeks ago someone saw that picture and asked if it was taken when I was in high school or college.  I had to inform them that it was taken about six months ago when I weighed under 230 lbs. and looked and felt as healthy as I had in a really long time.  I managed to get myself all the way down to about 226, and I was in the middle of the 17 Day Diet, a low carb program that I had figured out a way to work within.  Fast forward eight months and here's a picture of me hitting up downtown Minneapolis:

The difference is really quite striking.  Part of the reason that I had gotten so low last year was because I was regularly playing basketball and was in a challenge with some of my co-workers.  We decided to start this challenge back up at the beginning of this semester and if it was a college course, I'd be getting an early alert call from my academic advisor to discuss my failing midterm grade.  I don't have the exact numbers in front of me, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy in the challenge who has managed to gain weight over the past four weeks.  Since we weigh in for the challenge every Tuesday, I will report my data on here every Tuesday.  We have a pretty high-tech scale, so it gives these neat little printouts that list a whole bunch of information that I don't get.  I'll give you that information, too.  Without further ado:

Height: 5'10" (I'm working on getting to 6' by my wedding)

Weight: 261.8 lbs (wow, only a 35 lb weight gain)

BMI: 37.6 (hey, only double normal!)

BMR: 10006 kJ or 2392 kcal (I assume BMR stands for Big Meaty Rump)

Impedance: 467 (I would have guessed it would have said McDonald's)

Fat %: 42% (good to know 42% of me is delicious lard)

Fat Mass: 110 lb (well, yeah, that's basic math)

FFM: 151.8 lb (probably stands for Fat From McDonald's, most likely my fat free muscle)

TBW: 111.21 lb (definitely stands for Taco Bell Weight)

I guess there's some good news/bad news in these numbers.  Because I'm the eternal optimist (insert snarky comment here), we'll start with the good news.  The good news is that I've got lots of opportunity to get better.  The bad news is I let myself become a marshmallow man again.  A new feature will be three obtainable goals for each week to try to get this ship righted.  Here's this week's goals:

1) No fast food this week.  I need to put together seven solid days without stopping at McDonald's for breakfast.  We are going out of town this weekend, but I'm going to insist on eating at restaurants where we can sit down and I can have the opportunity to make good decisions.  With that said, I just had Chinese buffet for lunch.  These goals start riiiiiiiiiiiight....now.  

2) I'm going to work out for at least 30 minutes on four of the next seven days.  Again, this one will be tough because we're going out of town, so I won't be in my regular basketball routine.  Still, I can ball Wednesday and Monday, so I just need to stick in a half hour on the elliptical or go for a walk somewhere in between.  Baby steps.

3) Two cups of fruit and three cups of veggies a day, no exceptions.  For Pete's sake, they've been pounding the damn food pyramid into my head since I was four.  How can I still forget to eat these things?  Speaking of food pyramids, evidently the hot new thing is called MyPlate.  Instead of trying to figure out servings, the powers that be are saying that when you get a plate of food, half of it needs to be covered in fruit and vegetables.  That's a pretty simple idea.  There appears to be numerous helpful resources that the USDA has put together to help me learn this concept.  Their website appears to be aimed at your average third grader, but since I would quantify my current nutrition abilities at somewhere near a pre-K level, I think I should probably check out their useful charts, graphs, and whole grain finger puppets.  

As far as the overall goal of the next 284 days, I'm shooting for under 200 lbs.  Look, I went from 270 down to 240 and change in two months.  I then went from 250-ish down to 226 in about two months.  Unfortunately, I've been at the 260-265 weight long enough now that it isn't artificial like it was when I jumped up 10 pounds post Thanksgiving last year, but I've got nine months to lose 60 pounds.  If I put forth even a little effort, getting back to 230 should be obtainable by February.  That leaves me 30 pounds in five months, or six pounds a month, or a little more than a pound a week.  This is the suit I'm going to fit into on my wedding day. 

I'll even be rocking the look of cool indifference while I'm secretly trying not to pass out between the tremendous stress of the day and the stifling July 27 heat.  I will not be buying this suit from a Big and Tall store.  I will be buying one that requires a completely average amount of fabric.  I will buy pants in the 30's and a coat in the 40's.  I will be bringing sexy back.    

That's all for now.  Watch for upcoming posts about things that everyone has and that all stink (no, it isn't *insert body part here*) and the scam that is wedding day transportation.

Peace be with you (and also with you (but especially with you)),

Jeff

New Blog, New Goals, Same Problems

Hey all!  Welcome to my newest venture into the world of blogging.  The Elephant in the Groom is a continuation of the 1509 Mondays blog (http://1509mondays.blogspot.com/), but with a twist: I'm getting married!  I could have continued the old blog and the old format, but that blog had some funky mojo on it and represented a different time for me.  I'm no longer staring down the milestone that was 30.  It turns out it came and went with about as much fanfare as 27, 28, and 29.  I feel like I've really hit my groove and can see miles and miles ahead, and I really like what I see.  Most of that can be attributed to my better half, Molly.  She has been a calming and loving presence for my perfect storm of crazy.  Still, with settling into adulthood, we've got a lot of exciting ventures and adventures ahead of us, so this is a place where I can share those stories.  Maybe I can even con her into posting from time to time so that she can tell you her side of our story.  If not, tough, you're stuck with me.

As any of the followers of 1509 blog know, I struggle a bit with my weight (which is like saying that Superman struggles a bit with Kryptonite).  You could say that will be an overarching theme of The Elephant in the Groom (see what I did there?), but I'll also talk about our quest for our first home, our plans for our fictional family, the never ending pursuit of my Master's degree, my fight to keep the flower budget at the wedding under the gross domestic product of Liberia, and so much more.  Tomorrow's post will be my first weight check in and the reveal of my shocking goal for the wedding day.  Note that it is only shocking because of the shocking amount of weight I've gained in the past seven months.  Still, SHOCKING!!!

In the meantime, thanks again for checking in with me, and I sincerely hope that you enjoy the ride to the aisle as much as I am.  

Jeff